Losing my way
Skip to the Filipino version (This is my first attempt at a bi-lingual post…)
Well aside from the other day’s KDE post, I’ve been pretty silent lately. Not because I have nothing to blog about (I have an ever-growing list of interesting blog topics). Or because I’ve been doing so many things (which I should be doing). It has to do with losing all and every motivation to do anything at all, even eating! (Which would be highly unusual for me). I’m neither sad nor happy. I’m just plain in between, unmotivated, uninterested. The most annoying part about it all, is not knowing why. If I knew, I could probably think up of a way to fix things.
This kind of situation is very bad, specially when you’re trying to work with FOSS projects as a volunteer. When you don’t have monetary incentives or needs, or if you don’t have someone watching your back, discipline, commitment, motivation, and inspiration are all vital. A lot of the “work” I do at home is purely voluntary, and sometimes with a lot of pressure to perform. While in some cases, the situation is ideal and desirable (I get to work when and how I want to), it’s not always pleasant when you hit this kind of roadblocks.
So I had to ask myself a lot lately, “What drives me? What motivates me? What makes me passionate?”. And honestly, I don’t have clear cut answers yet.
Hopefully, I can crawl out of this ditch soon…
Maliban sa KDE post ko nung isang araw, naging tahimik ako kamakailan. Hindi dahil wala akong maisulat (pahaba ng pahaba ang akin listahan ng mga paksa). Hindi rin naman dahil marami akong ginagawa (na dapat kong gawin). Kundi dahil sa kawalan ng ganang gumawa ng kahit na ano, kahit na kumain! (Na hindi normal para sa akin). Hindi ako masaya o malungkot. Wala lang talagang gana, walang interes. At ang pinakanakakainis dito, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Dahil kung alam ko lang, siguro na lunasan ko na. Ang ganitong klase ng sitwasyon ay hindi maganda para, lalo na kung ikaw ay isang volunteer sa mga FOSS na proyekto. Kapag wala kang pinansya na pangangailangan or kagustuhan, o kaya naman walang nagbabantay sa iyo, ang disiplina, pagtupad sa mga tungkulin, inspirasyon, at gana ay napakahalaga. Marami sa mga “trabaho” ko dito sa bahay ay kusang loob, at minsan maraming pressure na kasama. Kung minsan ang ganitong sitwasyon ay maganda (pwede akong magtrabaho kung kelan at paano ko gusto), pero hindi laging kanais-nais kapag nakarating ka sa ganitong klaseng mga balakid. Kaya madalas kong tinatanong ang sarili ko, “Ano bang nagtutulak sakin? Ano bang nag-uudyok sakin? Ano ang nagbibigay sakin ng gana?”. At sa totoo lang, wala pa akong mga kasagutan. Sana makaahon na ako mula sa lunggang ito…
